London

It’s a Shit London Crap Towns mash up! Today, I’m very chuffed to say that the editor of shitlondon.co.uk is lending his considerable expertise about the Great Wen to Crap Towns. I feel very lucky. And highly amused. Oh London. You great throbbing crap hole.

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London claims to be a world city – a modern, 24 hour metropolis but this is mostly just a pretence put on for visitors. Spend an extended time in the place and you’ll see that it just doesn’t stand up.

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Evidence of this can be seen in the mad dash for The Tube on Friday and Saturday nights when the public transport system effectively shuts down shortly after midnight. This leaves revellers with the choice of being abandoned in the city centre having to dodge aggressively driven rickshaws, people illegally selling reconstituted pork cylinders of indeterminate origin or stag and hen parties from the Home Counties overexcited to be in “big town” and therefore prone to committing random acts of violence against its inhabitants.

To get home after the tube has closed leaves people with the options of black cabs ( to pay the fare you’ll need to remortgage your house – oh, but I almost forgot this is London, you’ll never be able to afford a house here anyway ) , a minicab, in which you stand a high chance of being sexually assaulted – as we’re cheerily reminded each Christmas or a night bus , which is a must for all fans of vomit, paranoid schizophrenics and R&B played through tinny mobile phone speakers.

Also, for a world city we are spectacularly unprepared for almost any eventuality. Be it snow, rain, heat or any of the other weather conditions we get every year the city will almost certainly grind to halt. Yes, we managed to pull off the Olympics but that was an anomaly. What the Mayor called Londoners “Olympic spirit” was more like stunned disbelief that for once everything seemed to be running smoothly.

There are three very important things to remember when living in London which will stand you in good stead:

1)Always stand on the right.

2)Never eat in an Aberdeen Angus Steakhouse.

3) Don’t you even think about speaking to somebody that you don’t already know.

Patrick Dalton

For more London badness,  see the previous entry on The City Of London

Patrick Dalton also edits this wonderful site: shitlondon.co.uk

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