Yes, I know Calais isn’t strictly in the UK – but that’s about the best thing you can say for it.

In fact, you can have it. You’ve made it English enough. The town’s great misfortune has been its ease of access from Dover. I’m not talking about all those long centuries’ of marauding armies eager to escape your rain-lashed island, or even the pounding it took in World War II. No, Calais was doing okay until the Brits realised that it was almost as easy for them to reach as their local supermarket – and able to supply them with plonk and beer at fear cheaper prices.

Back when stirling was strong against the Euro, booze cruisers from Britain wrecked this town. You filled it with gigantic cold warehouses, red-faced men lugging around beer kegs almost as absurdly huge as their bellies and endless chattering, clattering, giggling women  topping up on fizz and puking on the pavements. You even once sent that conard, Chris Evans. Fortunately he didn’t stay long, but he did live broadcast his own alcohol shopping and so encourage even more people to visit.

But the worst of it wasn’t all the bargain hunters and alcoholics. It wasn’t even all the outsize Tescos and shops named after soap operas that looked like ruined fairground rides and where even the staff refused to speak French. No. It was the fact that you all stopped coming. As soon as the pound collapsed, you English bastards abandoned us, leaving economic ruin, rotting warehouses, and endless empty car parks. It now looks almost as bad as Swindon.
Francis De Guise

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2 Responses to Calais

  1. gratissex says:

    I have a friend from America who went over to Calais to see what France was like, while he was on holiday in the UK. He caught the morning ferry, arrived, walked around for a few hours, cancelled his hotel and came back the same night saying the town had confirmed all his worst suspicions.

  2. Suffolk & Proud says:

    There was weird music playing out on speakers on every street which was bizarre! Good thing is, the Town Hall looks pretty and they do have a cash converters. No Doubt that some Englishman on the run from the British Transport Police has seen his money dry up since Sterling is worth F**k All, try his hand at selling you broken DVD players, a chainsaw with an English Plug and a Guitar Amp with no leads… Best thing about Calais, is leaving on the next boat back to Blighty!

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